Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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