there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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