I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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