Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
