A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize