I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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