see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
