This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
