Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
