dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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