Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
