There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
