Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
