Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
