This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
