god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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