You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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