Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You took a bar mat shot.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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