I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Did I show you my penis last night?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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