I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
