can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
