Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize