Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
