there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
why is half of my head shaved?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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