you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
