hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
