I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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