my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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