I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize