Yo dont text me then not text me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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