My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
