when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
