Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize