Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
