I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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