Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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