She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
