she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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