Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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