I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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