Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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