My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
