I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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