i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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