Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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