My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
