I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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