All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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