dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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