I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
