I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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