I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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