My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
