I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
