guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
