I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
