the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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