I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
