just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
