So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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