I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
