I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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