I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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