Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
