There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
