Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
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