his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
