The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize