What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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