I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize