he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
