You're so nebulous sometimes
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
