I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize