I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize