i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
