My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
