he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
